fame.

Gaining fame here on earth does not matter. In fact, even "making a difference" and "having an impact" doesn't matter. I get stuck sometimes in the thought of the millions upon millions of people who have died before me and how their lives were seemingly insignificant. Only one in a million were actually remembered for something down the line. Most just go day to day. This bothers me alot. As Americans we are taught to go change the world. But what about those of us who don't. At all. I just read thru the scripture talking about storing up your treasures in heaven and I think this includes our desire to be "known." We shouldn't look to be "known" here on earth but rather to do things that will reap eternal rewards. I know, it's "good sounding" words. But what does that actually mean? In my modest, humble, finite opinion..God has a plan for each of us. Our lives are meant to go the way they are when following Him. This might mean changing the world or it might mean saying a kind word to a future Oprah and you never know the impact that you have. Or it might mean that you just live. Grow with God. Connect with others during certain times in your life and live. The best you might ever be on earth is a "good person" who will be forgotten in a blink. Which to me is sad and makes me kind of upset, but I have to keep in mind...it doesn't matter. Things of this world do not matter. Now that being said don't become complacent and lazy and just "survive." Live your life to the fullest. Experience things. Grow. Be a blessing. Reach for the stars. You might get them or you might fall fall short but help another to reach them. My point is don't be upset with what the world calls "failure" cuz maybe that's Exactly where you are supposed to be.

about that time.

so...i'm blogging again. i always come back. no one listens but it helps sometimes to express thru words. (although i wish i was more eloquent with them). it's been one of those days. reflecting on the past. wondering about the future. but mainly wishing to go back. to seemingly simpler times. to change an answer. to say yes. to say no. to see what the difference would be (if any). could things have been different? truly different? or just a slightly modified version? these days don't really help me. if anything they hinder me greatly. yet i still struggle to move on. living with the choices. although one choice i can speak of recently that i made..was to stop taking my medication for my stomach. it stopped working about 10 months ago yet i continued taking it hoping it would somehow start working again. this happened one other time and i called the dr and he raised the dosage. well i called him last august and he said he couldn't change the dosage and i'd have to come in for more tests. if you know me then you know how much i hate all of the tests. needles. machines. nasty liquids. pain. yeah, i'm not a fan. so i kept taking the pill hoping it would just magically work i guess. well yesterday was the last day i took it. i have no clue if i will have adverse side effects for stopping taking it. but i have to stop fooling myself that it will "eventually" work. i'm hoping to discover new ways to help the pain but now i just wait. again. after 18 years you think i would be used to it, but i'm not. especially after being so close! i was completely pain free for about a year (after living with this stomach pain since i was 5). it was incredible. to not have to worry about it. my appetite was normal. but yeah, i'm hopeful for the future but i just pray it doesn't take as long. (another 18 years)

and again..

been having one of those weeks. the kind that can't end fast enough. i find myself swirling in a sea of "what if"s. and the funny thing is i can't seem to put my finger on exactly why this week is so "tough." it might be the daily glances at the past, the confusion of the present, or the tension/excitement/terror at what might lie ahead. i have found that i run my life in a pattern. i go in a circle, moving but ultimately ending up right back where i started. it is very frustrating. i'm unsure of how to get out of this continuous cycle. and this is one of those days where i decide to stop walking and sit down. at least i'm kind of breaking the pattern for a moment (even though i'm still on the same path). maybe i should enjoy this time of rest. pick flowers. look around. let myself settle a bit before moving on. it's hard to wait though. it's hard to not rush back to what's familiar. i'm just glad tomorrow brings with it a brand new day. hopefully one with less tears and heartache. yes, that would be very nice.

for now.

..i find it very difficult to breathe sometimes. the very act of pulling air in my lungs and having it escape out can be exhausting. if i hold the air long enough it will scream for my attention, wanting to continue this process. but eventually it will continue..or cease completely. i cant hold it..waiting. life progresses on and so must I, whether i'm prepared to press on or not. so why, knowing this, do i continue to try and hold on, do i continue to gaze backwards? my heart fantasizes about the wind carrying me about, spinning me, pushing me this way and that. then my head reminds me that my feet are solidly on the ground waiting for the next breath. and each one reminding me of what i miss. for now.

fake

everywhere you look now everything is fake. fake boobs. fake faces (covered with makeup). fake smiles. i grew up seeing alot of "fake" first hand. what's funny is the fake hair, the makeup, the plastic surgery, all of the cosmetic things dont get me mad it just makes me sad for the person who feels they need that to be happy, beautiful, successful, or even just worth spending time with. the fake smiles however are a different story. i hate how we tend to "pretend" around everyone. i see people act one way when with one person and be the exact opposite with another. there is no "genuine." that makes me even sadder. i saw this lived out in the worst way in my teen years with my "fake" friends. when it was just me and them, we were doing great. laughing. having fun. but the second anyone else came around.."bekah didnt exsist." this all stems from the same thing though. lack of self-approval almost. a need for someone else to accept you. and in order to do that we become "fake." putting on a mask that after years of juggling has become a permanent part of life. a fixture, movable but too painful to re-move. we have lost ourselves in this need to impress and to feel love, when in fact we lose what is most precious.

simply you.

no one is like you. why should you look at others and try to conform and fit into a mold you were never meant to fit into? you rob the world of the joy of having your skills, love, quirkiness, humor, etc displayed for all to see.

so, who are you?

choose Love

I have been so blessed! I just had my very first Beautiful You Conference. It was a two day experience for teenage girls, talking to them about self-worth, beauty, and life. I was blown away by God's prescence and His hand in this. It was incredible. I have always had a passion for teenage girls. I had such a rough time going through Middle School and High School that I vowed to help out girls in my situation as much as I possibly could. Thru my teen years I was "told" things about myself (ex: "you're talented," "you're pretty," etc.) but these were proved the opposite by the way people treated me. I became a complete recluse. It still is hard for me to trust people even now, years later. This just shows me how impactful the teenage years are. I would cry myself to sleep at night, praying to God for just One friend. Someone, anyone to reach out and see how much I was hurting. I was so tired of putting forth a great effort and getting little to no response. I saw everyone around me having fun with their group of friends and I wondered what made me different? What was wrong with me? Why was it so difficult to want to spend time with me? It brought my self-worth extremely down. I didnt think I was worth the time of day, because to me that's what my "friends" proved. I have since worked through alot of those insecurities but it is, as I said, still difficult. Walking through that kind of complete rejection ruins you. THIS is why I am so incredibly passionate about Beautiful You. I AM worth spending time with, I AM a beautiful woman, I AM a daughter of the Most High King! I want to bring awareness and love to the teen girls around me. THEY are worth it. YOU are worth it. I will choose to live in Truth and I will choose to Love.

where troubles melt like lemon drops.

i realized today i havent blogged in a while. so much has been going on. I'm preparing for the first ever "Beautiful You" Weekend Event!! I can't explain how excited I am about this and how appreciative I am of all the people who have come alongside me in this journey. It is going to be a crazy ride. I still have so much more to do, but definitely in my weakness God is strong.

i have been in a much better mood recently. my attitude towards each day and the possibilities that it holds..excites me. sure i still have my down days, but it is much better overall. living in the past is one of my specialties..the "what ifs." But i plan on moving forward. making each day better than the next. to-day, right now is all i have. i cant fret about the future or dwell in the past. i have to stay in the now. how can i positively effect the lives of those in my path? how can i make Their day easier? it's not about me. and while i still matter and am important, i have to get out of myself and encourage others. when i was little all i cared about was making people laugh. that was my goal for each day. it brightened my day and put a smile on my face when i saw the joy of others around me. maybe it's time to get back to that. to bring happiness to others. we get so bogged down with life that we never stop and just enjoy the journey. (i know, easier said than done) but if i gave joy to others as much as i fret about my own problems...it would change My perspective on things.

bring laughter..

music

music is my passion. it's what drives me, wakes me up, gets me excited. it's sad that i have been unable to truly write any music recently. sometimes, though, waiting can give you exactly what you are looking for. my love of music cannot even be expressed. i smile. i laugh. i cry. all in the rise and fall of a melodic pattern strung together to play on my heart strings. it is truly a blessing to see that God knows this about me and so this is one of the main ways He speaks to me. He will comfort me with a song about His love and forgiveness at just the right time. Every time it happens, i'm truly taken aback and it makes me wonder what I ever did to deserve this kind of attention. but that's just the point. i didnt. there is nothing i can do to deserve the Love that God shows me every single day. now i need to stop and be able to open my eyes to all of the things He has for me each day. i run thru my life too quickly sometimes, focused on how much i can get done or how "busy" i can make myself. why? and while it is not good to just sit around and do nothing all the time (we are called to act) sometimes we need to take moments to reflect. i am sorry for all the times i have brushed God aside. and I will be sorry for all the times I will do it in the future. So how I can bless God to-day? How can I take His love that He exudes out to me and shine it back? I think God provides me with an answer..music. Every note being a concious act of worship back to the creator. I wonder if He gets as excited when I play/sing for Him as I get when He uses music to speak to me? i will sing.

isn't it funny

i've been in a lot of pain recently. many tests and needles(AHH!!) later, i'm in more pain than ever. it would be so easy to give up on my quest for health. to forget this diet, and any advice and just live how i want. it's very easy to get upset, depressed, frustrated with the situation. i've kept it in for so long, it would be very easy to explode out with all of the things i've been feeling. BUT in the midst of all the pain, confusion, anger, and chaos..i choose to be happy. now each day is different and I cant always claim that I have the best attitude all the time, that is impossible. but I choose love, joy, laughter. these things are what keep me going. I had one of my worst days (as far as pain) the other day, and surprisingly..it was one of the best days i've had. I was smiling throughout the whole day, giddy from pure joy. It was incredible. I'm sure God put it inside me and helped me get through that day. It was a very strange prospect. And as I talked to people I realized that yes taking care of me and my health is important. But connecting, loving, giving, Living..is more important. It's so cliche but I love the movie Wall-e. And one of my favorite quotes in that movie has stuck with me and become something i strive to do/be each day.

"i dont wanna survive, i wanna Live"

How will you "live" to-day?

beautiful

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted desperately for someone to find me and "work their magic on me," like in the movie Cineralla. It wasn't enough to be a "good person" you needed the beauty to go with it. I waited and waited for the day to come..but no such luck. It never came. I found myself despising the way I looked. I had huge glasses, a big nose, and a gangly body. It never occured to me, until much later, that I Was beautiful, just the way I was. I didnt have to have a "make-over" to make myself into what society tells me is beautiful. I already had the most amazing, talented, fashion designer craft me into existence with His bare hands. God created me the way I am. He formed every part of me. Who am I to say "Oops God, you messed. I'm not right"? Take a look in the mirror, dont compare yourself to anyone else..cuz no one else is there. Take a look at how beautifully, and skillfully God handcrafted you. You. are. beautiful.

rollercoaster.

my life is like a rollercoaster. since i've been home there have been so many twists and turns that i never expected. i have been extremely frustrated recently cuz of health issues, but even so..i cant let that get me down. i've got alot to do. i need to get going. i'm excited to see how things turn out but scared that i'll become complacent and stop listening. it is encouraging to know that even in the midst of all my confusion God knows exactly what's going on and exactly what i need. my problem is to stop long enough to listen. how many times do i just run thru my day and realize..i did absolutely nothing. well, i've gotta start somewhere and to-day seems like a good day to begin. i'm currently working on my "project"/ministry/company/whatever you wanna call it for my girls. I've got a website created and am working on pulling together my first weekend event. The website is: http://www.beautifulyounme.webs.com/ it is very bare right now, i need to find someone who can help me fill in the blanks and work on design. but it's a start. it's more than i had this morning. keep moving forward. i dont know where this rollercoaster will take me next, tears, laughter, frustration, but i know that where it takes me God is right by my side,

so bring it!

when the tide turns.

hope. i have not had much of this concerning certain areas. i was stuck in pain and everyone around me looking only saw a facade or got sick of looking. i've been suffering my whole life, waiting for someone to tell me i'm not crazy, that this isnt just an overdramatization of reality. i almost gave up on hope altogether. my final strand was rolled away in my last tear..but with that, came new hope. the hope that i am not crazy, someone else is standing up for me too. and as i looked around i began to see more people standing, hoping with me. it was/is a tremendous feeling after walking thru this desert for so long. this post even may seem too dramatic, if you learned what in fact i am talking about. But it's not to me. it is a constant reality that i dont have to face alone. it gives me a shove to walk forward. this..is just the beginning.

if i cant..

here's where my love crashed on the waves. rocked by the ocean. it spun into a hurricane causing confusion and panic to all around. before awkwardly settling into a single question. a question unable to be answered until the very moment the skies cleared. it seems ironic that once answered it started to rain. the tumulous current pulling me back under. i was dragged along the fixed coral which was unmoving, staring at the raw scene. right when i thought my lungs would burst from the pain rising in my chest my head cleared the surface. unable to locate familiar landmarks i looked up at the sky and saw crystal blue. it was almost as if i was upsidedown and the ocean was above me while i was in the clouds. the sight was intoxicating, wondering what reality was. curious as to what would befall if the sky and ocean started to converge. if i cant swim to the shore i might not survive, but who wants to sit casually on the shore, watching all of the waves play tauntingly with the rocks, all the wonders underneath surface waiting to be discovered..this is right where i'm supposed to be.

please..

i wrote this a year ago and went back to read it just now. God definitely showed me amazing things during that time..and i needed to be reminded. Take a look..

sometimes i wish i didn't care for people as much as i do. it would be alot easier and call for alot less crying. lol but seriously this week i hear all these stories of broken people and it breaks my heart to hear. it encourages me to pray for those in and around me. you never know someone's story. i still go back to when i was blessed to be a small part of columbinus (the show) at Collin College. that has touched my life in a way that nothing else has. God really spoke to me through that experience. i would cry every night during the last scene. i would say to myself.."what if 1 person would have stepped out of their comfort zone and for a moment cared enough to reach out to those 2 boys? in a genuine, sincere, tangible way. would that have made a difference?" and obviously we can't live our lives in the past and what if's..but to live in the moment. to notice people. to slow down long enough to see what's going on around you. you could make a difference. you might never know you did. or maybe you will..i dunno. the sad thing is we are so focused on ME and MY PROBLEMS that we dont look around. we dont slow down. especially as americans we are always going. now i'm not even saying to give up things that you are doing now (unless you need to). I'm saying its a mind switch. look around while you're walking to class/work/whatever. help that person who spilled their lunch all over the floor and they are scrambling to pick it up. doesn't take much time. PEOPLE are way more important than anything on this earth. plain and simple. we are called to love those around us. and we hear that...but when do we ever act on it? what if one day you missed church because on the way you stopped to help someone change a flat tire? what's more important in that moment? thats for you to decide. but i can't get any of this out of my head. and sure there are many times where i will just pass by something or someone because i'm not paying attention or because i'm in too much of a hurry. so slow down. (i say this to myself as well). please.


wait...

and then..

so..i'm not very good with keepng up with blog as i'm sure i've said before. but i'm workin on it. i've been home a little longer and am still working on how to incorporate all the things i've learned into every day tasks. i've gotten much better at confrontation, even if people initially dont respond well to it. i now have a job which helps pay my bills but i'd love to find something i could do with music since that is my overall passion. nothing much has been happening..so not much to report. but will write more later. peace.

much love.

well...hello there.

Hey! So...i started fresh, new. I needed a new space and I like this website better than the other I was using before. So I want to use this as a way for people to keep up with me in everyday life and also to see what's going on with the amazing things God is doing.

I have been home for almost 3 months now and I still sometimes get frustrated with being in the good ol' US. Then on the other hand..at times it feels like I never left. That Africa was all a dream. Then I look down and see my mini tat on my wrist and know it wasnt. lol. So i've been just getting aclimated, I have a job now and prospects for starting my ministry growing. I have been struggling spiritually since I have been back and am working on making time with God the top priority. Here is a song that I love and really has helped me gain focus.

Check it out.

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North

with Love..