about that time.

so...i'm blogging again. i always come back. no one listens but it helps sometimes to express thru words. (although i wish i was more eloquent with them). it's been one of those days. reflecting on the past. wondering about the future. but mainly wishing to go back. to seemingly simpler times. to change an answer. to say yes. to say no. to see what the difference would be (if any). could things have been different? truly different? or just a slightly modified version? these days don't really help me. if anything they hinder me greatly. yet i still struggle to move on. living with the choices. although one choice i can speak of recently that i made..was to stop taking my medication for my stomach. it stopped working about 10 months ago yet i continued taking it hoping it would somehow start working again. this happened one other time and i called the dr and he raised the dosage. well i called him last august and he said he couldn't change the dosage and i'd have to come in for more tests. if you know me then you know how much i hate all of the tests. needles. machines. nasty liquids. pain. yeah, i'm not a fan. so i kept taking the pill hoping it would just magically work i guess. well yesterday was the last day i took it. i have no clue if i will have adverse side effects for stopping taking it. but i have to stop fooling myself that it will "eventually" work. i'm hoping to discover new ways to help the pain but now i just wait. again. after 18 years you think i would be used to it, but i'm not. especially after being so close! i was completely pain free for about a year (after living with this stomach pain since i was 5). it was incredible. to not have to worry about it. my appetite was normal. but yeah, i'm hopeful for the future but i just pray it doesn't take as long. (another 18 years)

and again..

been having one of those weeks. the kind that can't end fast enough. i find myself swirling in a sea of "what if"s. and the funny thing is i can't seem to put my finger on exactly why this week is so "tough." it might be the daily glances at the past, the confusion of the present, or the tension/excitement/terror at what might lie ahead. i have found that i run my life in a pattern. i go in a circle, moving but ultimately ending up right back where i started. it is very frustrating. i'm unsure of how to get out of this continuous cycle. and this is one of those days where i decide to stop walking and sit down. at least i'm kind of breaking the pattern for a moment (even though i'm still on the same path). maybe i should enjoy this time of rest. pick flowers. look around. let myself settle a bit before moving on. it's hard to wait though. it's hard to not rush back to what's familiar. i'm just glad tomorrow brings with it a brand new day. hopefully one with less tears and heartache. yes, that would be very nice.

for now.

..i find it very difficult to breathe sometimes. the very act of pulling air in my lungs and having it escape out can be exhausting. if i hold the air long enough it will scream for my attention, wanting to continue this process. but eventually it will continue..or cease completely. i cant hold it..waiting. life progresses on and so must I, whether i'm prepared to press on or not. so why, knowing this, do i continue to try and hold on, do i continue to gaze backwards? my heart fantasizes about the wind carrying me about, spinning me, pushing me this way and that. then my head reminds me that my feet are solidly on the ground waiting for the next breath. and each one reminding me of what i miss. for now.

fake

everywhere you look now everything is fake. fake boobs. fake faces (covered with makeup). fake smiles. i grew up seeing alot of "fake" first hand. what's funny is the fake hair, the makeup, the plastic surgery, all of the cosmetic things dont get me mad it just makes me sad for the person who feels they need that to be happy, beautiful, successful, or even just worth spending time with. the fake smiles however are a different story. i hate how we tend to "pretend" around everyone. i see people act one way when with one person and be the exact opposite with another. there is no "genuine." that makes me even sadder. i saw this lived out in the worst way in my teen years with my "fake" friends. when it was just me and them, we were doing great. laughing. having fun. but the second anyone else came around.."bekah didnt exsist." this all stems from the same thing though. lack of self-approval almost. a need for someone else to accept you. and in order to do that we become "fake." putting on a mask that after years of juggling has become a permanent part of life. a fixture, movable but too painful to re-move. we have lost ourselves in this need to impress and to feel love, when in fact we lose what is most precious.

simply you.

no one is like you. why should you look at others and try to conform and fit into a mold you were never meant to fit into? you rob the world of the joy of having your skills, love, quirkiness, humor, etc displayed for all to see.

so, who are you?

choose Love

I have been so blessed! I just had my very first Beautiful You Conference. It was a two day experience for teenage girls, talking to them about self-worth, beauty, and life. I was blown away by God's prescence and His hand in this. It was incredible. I have always had a passion for teenage girls. I had such a rough time going through Middle School and High School that I vowed to help out girls in my situation as much as I possibly could. Thru my teen years I was "told" things about myself (ex: "you're talented," "you're pretty," etc.) but these were proved the opposite by the way people treated me. I became a complete recluse. It still is hard for me to trust people even now, years later. This just shows me how impactful the teenage years are. I would cry myself to sleep at night, praying to God for just One friend. Someone, anyone to reach out and see how much I was hurting. I was so tired of putting forth a great effort and getting little to no response. I saw everyone around me having fun with their group of friends and I wondered what made me different? What was wrong with me? Why was it so difficult to want to spend time with me? It brought my self-worth extremely down. I didnt think I was worth the time of day, because to me that's what my "friends" proved. I have since worked through alot of those insecurities but it is, as I said, still difficult. Walking through that kind of complete rejection ruins you. THIS is why I am so incredibly passionate about Beautiful You. I AM worth spending time with, I AM a beautiful woman, I AM a daughter of the Most High King! I want to bring awareness and love to the teen girls around me. THEY are worth it. YOU are worth it. I will choose to live in Truth and I will choose to Love.

where troubles melt like lemon drops.

i realized today i havent blogged in a while. so much has been going on. I'm preparing for the first ever "Beautiful You" Weekend Event!! I can't explain how excited I am about this and how appreciative I am of all the people who have come alongside me in this journey. It is going to be a crazy ride. I still have so much more to do, but definitely in my weakness God is strong.

i have been in a much better mood recently. my attitude towards each day and the possibilities that it holds..excites me. sure i still have my down days, but it is much better overall. living in the past is one of my specialties..the "what ifs." But i plan on moving forward. making each day better than the next. to-day, right now is all i have. i cant fret about the future or dwell in the past. i have to stay in the now. how can i positively effect the lives of those in my path? how can i make Their day easier? it's not about me. and while i still matter and am important, i have to get out of myself and encourage others. when i was little all i cared about was making people laugh. that was my goal for each day. it brightened my day and put a smile on my face when i saw the joy of others around me. maybe it's time to get back to that. to bring happiness to others. we get so bogged down with life that we never stop and just enjoy the journey. (i know, easier said than done) but if i gave joy to others as much as i fret about my own problems...it would change My perspective on things.

bring laughter..

music

music is my passion. it's what drives me, wakes me up, gets me excited. it's sad that i have been unable to truly write any music recently. sometimes, though, waiting can give you exactly what you are looking for. my love of music cannot even be expressed. i smile. i laugh. i cry. all in the rise and fall of a melodic pattern strung together to play on my heart strings. it is truly a blessing to see that God knows this about me and so this is one of the main ways He speaks to me. He will comfort me with a song about His love and forgiveness at just the right time. Every time it happens, i'm truly taken aback and it makes me wonder what I ever did to deserve this kind of attention. but that's just the point. i didnt. there is nothing i can do to deserve the Love that God shows me every single day. now i need to stop and be able to open my eyes to all of the things He has for me each day. i run thru my life too quickly sometimes, focused on how much i can get done or how "busy" i can make myself. why? and while it is not good to just sit around and do nothing all the time (we are called to act) sometimes we need to take moments to reflect. i am sorry for all the times i have brushed God aside. and I will be sorry for all the times I will do it in the future. So how I can bless God to-day? How can I take His love that He exudes out to me and shine it back? I think God provides me with an answer..music. Every note being a concious act of worship back to the creator. I wonder if He gets as excited when I play/sing for Him as I get when He uses music to speak to me? i will sing.