about that time.

so...i'm blogging again. i always come back. no one listens but it helps sometimes to express thru words. (although i wish i was more eloquent with them). it's been one of those days. reflecting on the past. wondering about the future. but mainly wishing to go back. to seemingly simpler times. to change an answer. to say yes. to say no. to see what the difference would be (if any). could things have been different? truly different? or just a slightly modified version? these days don't really help me. if anything they hinder me greatly. yet i still struggle to move on. living with the choices. although one choice i can speak of recently that i made..was to stop taking my medication for my stomach. it stopped working about 10 months ago yet i continued taking it hoping it would somehow start working again. this happened one other time and i called the dr and he raised the dosage. well i called him last august and he said he couldn't change the dosage and i'd have to come in for more tests. if you know me then you know how much i hate all of the tests. needles. machines. nasty liquids. pain. yeah, i'm not a fan. so i kept taking the pill hoping it would just magically work i guess. well yesterday was the last day i took it. i have no clue if i will have adverse side effects for stopping taking it. but i have to stop fooling myself that it will "eventually" work. i'm hoping to discover new ways to help the pain but now i just wait. again. after 18 years you think i would be used to it, but i'm not. especially after being so close! i was completely pain free for about a year (after living with this stomach pain since i was 5). it was incredible. to not have to worry about it. my appetite was normal. but yeah, i'm hopeful for the future but i just pray it doesn't take as long. (another 18 years)